Buoyed by surveys that show the number of insane people in Greece is rising, the Nazi Golden Dawn party is set to start recruiting new members and will be scouring mental hospitals, soccer fan clubs, brothels, porn theaters, gun clubs, alleys, and looking under rocks, so if you look like a snake and are stranger than science fiction, you’ve got a shot at becoming a full-fledged cretin, especially if you already have a black T-shirt.
But it’s not as easy as you think because you have to pass a test that proves you have no free will, no analytical thought processes, have never finished high school, drool uncontrollably at the sight of a Swastika, need to take a breath before making a complete sentence and when someone asks you what time it is, respond instinctively, “1939!”
A lot of people are down on Golden Dawn now just because they like to keep beating up outnumbered immigrants, raid hospitals so that nurses saving people’s lives have to prove they’re Greek, want school textbooks revised to say that the military junta dictatorship was the Golden Age of Greece (Pericles, shmericles!) want maps redrawn to show Asia Minor is Greek, would like to launch nuclear missiles at Turkey but can’t because they don’t have a scientist in the bunch, want all blasphemers stoned to death, hate gays, think Jews should stick to running Hollywood and delicatessens but stopped from plotting the Zionist Conspiracy to rule the world, and want intellectuals exiled to Greek islands because they don’t have any.
But Golden Dawn is misunderstood. It’s a benevolent society of nationalists who want Greece restored to its former glory, although that would mean everyone would have to wear togas. True, Golden Dawn makes the KKK look like a Mensa meeting, but what’s intelligence when you have base instincts like a caveman?
I’ve gotten a copy of the Golden Dawn Training Academy entrance exam through dogged perseverance and old school investigative legwork (Ok, I bribed a secretary because that always works in Greece) and it puts the lie to the notion that its members couldn’t spell cat if you spotted them the “c” and the “a.”
A lot of people in Greece like Golden Dawn now because it opposes austerity, immigrants and a sense of reason. Membership has great benefits, especially if you become a Member of Parliament, because you can carry a gun and attack the Mayor of Athens and nothing happens to you.
Try that around U.S President Barack Obama and the Secret Service will rain down on your head faster than drones on Al-Qaeda caves and you’ll be in jail for about the next 1,000 years, or about 990 years longer than the Third Reich lasted.
For all you Golden Dawn wannabe’s, as a public service, here’s the exam with the answers filled in to save time, if you can read. Wash those black T-shirts, head for the tattoo parlor, start practicing your Heil Hitler salute and never have to worry about having brain surgery. If you failed a urine test, that would help your chances.
Name: (State your full name)
Answer: State your full name
Q: Do you believe in God?
A: If he restores holiday bonuses, smites Capitalist bankers and puts a plague of locusts on the Jews
Q: Favorite song?
A: They’re Coming To Take Me Away
Q: Favorite book
A: Mein Kamp Fire (Hitler’s Guide to Roasting Human)
Q: Favorite magazine?
Q: How do you spell cat?
Q: What’s a good IQ?
A: I don’t like Japanese poetry. Them are foreigners.
Q: If you come to a fork in the road, should you take it?
A: No, I’m not a thief, unlike immigrants, capitalists, bankers, Leftists and Skopians.
Q: Would you prefer to beat up an immigrant or punch a 12-year-old girl in the face?
A: Both at the same time, especially if she’s a heathen
Q: Who was the world’s most influential person?
A: Hitler or Alfred E. Neuman
Q: Do you take the bus to work or your lunch?
A: I take my lunch so I’ll have something to eat while I’m patrolling the sacred Greek buses and won’t get hungry while I’m pushing immigrants out the door. Unless there’s more than one of them, which there usually is on buses, in which case I pretend I’m one so they won’t push me off the bus
Q: What do you do if you’re walking alone at night and see an immigrant?
A: Call 29 party members for backup because we never attack immigrants unless we have them outnumbered 30-1
Q: If you could actually hold a job, what would it be?
A: A cop with a license to shoot immigrants, intellectuals, Jews, gays, Turks, bankers, capitalists or the guy at the video store who charged me a late fee for bringing back Deep Throat two days late (not fair, there’s a lot of scenes you want to rewind because it’s a classic)
Q: You’ve been invited to a formal affair. Do you wear a brown t-shirt or black t-shirt with the Golden Dawn meander?
A: Everyone knows you wear black for formal occasions, such as the funerals of immigrants
Q: What do the nine stripes on the Greek flag represent?
A: Spears to drive away immigrants when they try to land on Greece on boats
Q: If you could change the Greek national anthem, which one you choose
A: The Waffen SS fighting song
Q: If you needed a blood transfusion and the only donor that matched was an immigrant, what would you do?
Q: If your son or daughter came to you and said they were in love with an immigrant, what would you tell them?
Q: If you die and could come back as a person or thing, what would it be?
A: A thing